Its been very hard to loose weight and then when I loose some I just gain it back before the end of the month.. I weigh in @173 this morning….earlier in the month I had been down to 170 but then I gained some and then lost some and have ended the month at the 173 pounds …

I will say the usual , I hope to do better this month…… I started by loosing 10 pounds a month when I first started November 2008 @ 236 pounds ( my heaviest ever! ) …. Gradually I lost less & lesss pounds per month  , I would teeter back and forth until I just lost nothing for the last few months until now… Its been almost a year since I changed my eating habits and started the diet , I have lost a total of 63 pounds as of this morning and still have about 40-50 pounds to go ( I am only 5′3″ )

I am so glad looking back that I have remained determined through it all and came this far……I wish I had done a little better with being almost a year later however nothing can take away the happiness of what I have accomplished and I am happy that I am still on that road and will reach my goal one day!!

It has been very very hard to loose weight…. I still count calories and fat grams. I drink lots of water no juices or sodas ( occasional diet soda ).. no butters or added oils …no mayos or dressings… only lite occasional cheese. No fast foods… no junk foods … I only eat at certain times of the day….. I also go on 1 day all juice & fruit diets throughout the week and yet I  struggle to loose weight…….. I think….. err…. I KNOW, that its because every so often I slip up and BINGE.. i cant stop or control it, its awful, I dont even know why i do it… I will have an awesome day or few but then get home and for no reason at all just out of nowhere BINGE!!! Not everyday, but like once a week…….. I feel so guilty and full of regret afterwards and then feel like whats the point? The day is ruined and I totally binge more! ! In return I gain like 3-5 lbs in like a day!!  In one day I gain what took 2 weeks to loose and will take 3 more to loose all over agian. It doesnt make sense, takes like what- 3,200 cal. or so to loose 1 pound, but 1/2 of that to gain 1 back–??? 

But I know my struggle. I know my problem. I know thats my weekness , blame it on mood-emotions- or….???  I need to take control and stop having these binges.. I have tried everything from reward foods so I dont feel deprived to just giving in a little to a craving so I don’t binge …I have tried eating different foods, even different times of the day … I see how people become bulimic, how easy that would be to undo all that in minutes….. but no no no..

Well as i mentioned earlier… Yes , i am doing 1 day all juice/fruit fasts a couple times a week.. they suck.. I am hungry …. have headaches and am miserable on them but its the only way to reduce my weekly cal intake and get some weightloss in…..  i have not been working out… on top of it I hurt my back and every move hurts or brings an ache back, so i gave it up for now…

I will be back in a few days to report my grand total loss for the month-wish me luck.. those of you just tuning in, I started November 30th 2008 @236 pounds , as of last month was @176 pounds… I need to be 135 or less to be happy ( will be content if i ever get to 160!! ) … I have in the past been 114 …. I have reported little to zero weightloss in like 3 months now…. those of you who have been w/me thru the journey, i will try to be on a little more often, I hope you have not lost faith in me after all the unsuccessful last few months… I have read some of your blogs and I am glad to see some of you are doing great!!

I admit, about half way thru the month I really fell off the wagon…. theres no excuse but I am very unmotivated any more.. I counted calories I worked out, I was off to a great start but I can not loose weight, day after day and weeks after weeks there was no loss… I dont know why… so by the end of the month I was barely on the diet anymore and i have eaten all kinds of junk I had not touched in months.

I hope I can get back on full gear but I have said this for 3 months now.. I dont know waht to do- NOTHING WORKS! Yet I don’t gain weight when I get depressed and PIG OUT… I even tried dieters tea-NOTHING.

I hope everybody else is doing good and making up where I have failed.. i’m beginning to wonder if this is the end of the journey and I must settle at the current weight……

So thats my report for last month. Here we are a new month. I am now at 30 pounds behind original overall goals ( 10 lbs per month golas )  so 40-50 pounds left to go.. what should have taken me about a year to loose or so continually is extended. I am grateful for where I have gotten but I am still fat , I still cant shop at regular stores or the mall for clothes. I still look in the mirror in disgust. I still feel heavy/fat. I dont look good in shorts, cant wear tank tops or fitted tops…I still have the big belly and back rolls ( I hate those! ) I have a long long ways to go. I am about a size 16 , sometimes its tight and sometimes I can squeeze in to 15, depends on the brands…I wear 2x tshirts now instead of 3x( cant stand them tight ). Regular tops/blouses I wear like a size 14/16 also. Yep-still fat.

 History: For 1st time readers , I started my diet November 30th 2008, I started at 236 pounds. I have lost 58 pounds total. Thats 9 months now , I should have lost like 90 pounds by loosing 10lbs a month ( was the goal and how it started )  but I am instead actually at 6.5 pounds a month average loss now. THIS NEEDS TO GO UP!

It has become routine , my body has adjusted and lives just fine off 1200 cal a day , it doesnt even notice and I cant (and shouldnt ) eat less than that but I cant get my weightloss to kick back in. I really dont know what else to do..So I am starting again fresh this month.. Wish me luck and I hope all have better news than mine.

My excuse? I got discouraged. I reached a plateau and the scale would not budge… For weeks it did not move… I even begain to excercise at leats 30 if not 60 minutes a day and the scale was stuck. Not a pound lost. It didn’t and doesn’t make sense. I counted calories, I got real serious and nothing. I got depressed and I was triggered back into my food addiction. Yes-ADDICTION-I am addicted to food… for some its alcohol, others its drugs, me its FOOD. Seriously it consumes my mind, I crave it, I phene it ,I want it , I mess without it and if I let myself go I can OD on it!

I started small, cheating here and there… then the full meals slowly got bigger and less healthy until yesterday I realized it was back! My addiction and obese ways were back… If I did not control it quickly I might never get control again…

I started over again today. The month is gone and lost now…The day at least went well until…………………….: 1 serving fish crackers ( 52 ) , 1 plain hotdog bun ( free hotdogs at work - no meat for me ) diet soda & lots of water. I got off work @6:30 I was STARVING-I stopped for a diet soda at the store, picked up a black plum to snack, I had all intentions to come home and make a healthy chicken burrito with cilantro, tomotoes, onions etc.. it was all planned out in my mind, the plum was suppose to tide me over while i prepared my burritio when BAMMMMM! I walk in the door and theres a large pepperoni pizza on the table! OMG! It was cold, it had been there a while , there was little gone, was it going to go to waste…..? I could not help it, I took a slice ( very large slice ) and ate it……. Luckily I stopped at 1 slice.. oh boy. I later had 1 strawberry rice krispie treat (sweets craving ). And there it is.. Now i hope to stay away from food the rest of the nite..The fact that I was good up until that point brings me hope that i can jump on and hang on to that wagon once again… September-here I come!!!!

       I looked it up on the web , all over, site after site, blog after blog… I found the calculators and everything… these sites are saying, of course as we know, in order to burn 1 pound  you must burn 3,500 cal.. ok got it… thats alot of working out, not achievable in a day…. But how many calories will my body naturally burn in a days worth? Of the 1200 cal. eaten, how many of those will naturally diminish?

             The reason why I question this is that I currently eat around 1200 cal a day and probably like 30 grams of fat or so.. some days I cheat , most I don’t.. I don’t work out alot, but the weight loss is fairly slow and has gotten alot slower.. now these sites with the free calculators are also saying that to ”MAINTAIN” my weight I would eat about 1700-1800 cal a day -WHOOOAAAAAA! And to loose weight I need to reduce cal. intake, the more I reduce, the more I loose, the more workouts I add of course the more I  will loose ( of course never to go under 1200 cal intake ) well DAMN! Then why doesn’t the weight come off quicker?? I am already at the lowest point- 1200 cal a day…… Thats about at least 500 cal less a day, add the workouts and it could be like 700 less per day, x that by 7 days and thats exactly 3500 up to 4900 cal reduce per week… WTF! So add whatever I burn naturally and why isnt the weight coming off lately??

  Anybody good at this math stuff? Does the body just not burn alot of calories per day on its won? Cuz my above calculations is only for food intake and added excercise. What about the days when I am very active and do yard work or run around at work all day and so on…..? Where does all this take play? Am I thinking this too hard..? I am really trying to make logical sense of it all.. I am trying to plan out a steady menu and workout routine so that I can get back to my 10 pound loss per month but without going under 1200 cal a day… I will have to add more workouts, which is hard for me, my time is very limited, but I dont know how much more to add??? ugghhh…. I jknow every bit counts, but I want more precise answer……I have a headache now…I would appreciate any feedback……

      My eating has not changed, I do fairly well at staying around 1200 calories. The working out goes back and forth, I work out daily at times and other times i just let it go for a few days.. With a Gym membership I would have to go or would be wasting my $$.. It would also be a little fun too with the variety of machines and stuff ( now that I’m finally at “decent” size where I am not too embarrassed of others seeing me! ) The hardest part would be making time to go, there is not one where I live so I’m looking at having to include drive times….

   Anyways.. I’m not sure what to do.. I need to keep loosing weight! I started in November 2008 and before I know it will have been a whole a year and I still not at goal! Ughh.. If I dont start loosing this weight I feel myself slowly slipping and getting in to the “ What does it matter anyways? I might as well eat the donut- I don’t loose weight anyways! “  and thats bad bad news when it happens and I have found myself going there a few times recently.. I just get so unmotivated when the scale won’t move on days when I try so super hard!

  Any suggestions on a weightloss boost? Colon cleanse posted all over the web…? Some super fruit or…? A good weightloss program….? No energy pill suggestions please… And I can’t do fasting, never works.. I get a really bad headache and wind up eating more the 1st night than I would have on a normal diet! I need some motivation and some ideas… anyone please.. The scale won’t budge…. Pineapple Pizza and sugar frosted cookies are calling my name and I dont see what the diff is if I just eat them or don’t!! ………!

Gym…….hmmmm……….. would I really go….? Or………..?

I posted a new pic taken just today, figured it was about time for an update. I started strong last month ranting and raving about an extreme diet plan to loose like 15-20 pounds in the month to make up for some lost time, well it didn’t happen, as you can see I didn’t even hit my usual 10 lb goal but thats OK, I’ll take what i can get and maybe can loose more this month… It seems the farther along I get the harder it gets to loose the weight, I just keep hitting these plateaus even though I still eat right and excercise when I can….. but alls good, slowly but surely I will get there..

 I feel alot better about myself overall. I still am a size 16 to a tight 14 and I can’t wait to shop at normal stores for pants like a size 13 ( most stores like mall only carry up to that size! ) I will love the day I can just shop at any store again! Maybe I wont like the way it looks.. but at least it will fit so I can make a decision!!

I still feel pretty fat, some days more than others, but I’m so glad I’m closer to 175 rather than when I was closer to 240! WOOOOOWW!!! I can’t believe I ever got that big! About 13 pounds to go and I will be at my pre-pregnancy weight ( son just turned 3 ).. I remember thinking I was a COW already when I got pregnant but then I ballooned in to a WALRUS! OMG - I will loose the weight and god help me- NEVER GAIN IT BACK!

; ) Keep you posted!

 I am not at goal, things are still slow still yet lately, but every pound gets me closer and every pound lost makes me feel BETTER and BETTER!!

 I can wear things I have not worn in a long and look nice with out all the bulges and rolls! I dont look preganant anymore when turned side ways! Pictures taken actaully look decent! People actually notice me again!

 LOVE LOVE LOVE Loving it!!!! I can’t describe how amazing it feels and how much I had forgotten the difference between being a fat blob and being “normal”… If your there already- you know what I’m talkin’ about! If you’re not- get on the wagon becuase its a long road but well WORTH IT!!!

( I’ll post my newest update on my weight loss total in a few days ! )

I’m gonna try really hard to not only be sure I do loose my ten pounds this month, but that I also try to catch up on some of that other weight, maybe I can loose 15 pounds instead or even 20! Not sure how how this is gonne go but it’s the first day of the month and thats where I am setting my goal! I need to remind myself to EXCERCISE!!! Thats my biggest flaw-I just dont have or make time for it anymore and it would totally boost my weightloss.

      I stayed up late reading all the tricks to 20 pounds in 30 days….. it states mainly avoiding carbs and doing lots of excercise… I am a carb eater-I will crash and burn trying to stay away from them before I accomplish anything and I have managed to loose weight while still enjoying carbs by just eating small sensible overall calorie and fat balanced meals- so I will continue with that only modify a little more: Lower calorie intake a tad-add more fruits and veggis to make meals &  excercise …… Wish me Luck! I will keep you posted!

                          This month I actually gained 5 pounds! Then I lost them, THANK GOD! But now I sit teetering back and forth on 1 actual pound loss since last month..While I am very glad I lost the 5 I had gained back ( which by the way didn’t take much at all to gain back ) I still am sad that I a am yet again behind.. I am striving very very hard to try to be at a 5lb loss at least by the end if the month but there was a Birthday and there was pizza and there was cake and there was left overs the following day!!!! yep. you guessed. I ate.

             To make up for lost time I now have been on an extreme diet the last few days but have been pulling long work hours so no time to excercise.. On the day of the birthday I actually planned ahead and ate only fruits all day and then had Cake and Pizza at the party- but I had quite a bit! seconds & thirds! No self control. The next day, I had lots of fruits and veggies and a can of soup for lunch but came home and had leftover cold pizza and a big piece of cake ( thats right- a nice BIG one)… But  can anyone see the effort here??? I tried!  It could have been worse-riiiiiggghhht?

      Anyhow, now its definately crunch time… my goals since late Novenber have been 10 pounds per month, with 1 month where I had not lost anything. Now this month-we’ll see.. all along I have said I will catch back up that mont where there was 0 loss- but instead I am now further behind… To think-if I had not wasted anytime, in just a few short days I would be 20 pounds lighter! There would be a total 70 pound loss vs the 50. that means I would weigh 165 not 185…..20 pounds! 20 additinal pounds that could have been gone! gone ! gone!

                                          I don’t know why but I continually am making bad food choices everyday… not all but most. ** I know I shouldn’t eat it as I think about. I know I shouldn’t eat it as I go to get it. I know I shouldnt eat it as I pick it up. I know I shouldnt eat it as I am eating it. And I regret having eaten after I have devoured it . Then - I also know I shouldn’t have ate any of it at all as I do it all over again. **

But I cant stop… I cant control myself. Hopefully confessing will embarass me to start fresh again all over again. I feel fat, ugly, bloated and very diasspointed in myself…I hope I can stop now and alls not lost this month.. Unless I kick back in to action strongly I will likely not meet goals at the end of the month, which is already behind schedule from having fallen off track during another prev. month..

Its just now summer. I have been so exited at the weight loss and eager to reach goals plus there will likely be a family gathering next month in which I was hoping NOT to awww everyong with my Fatness……. most of them I havent seen for a few years- I was horrified if at that thought that they migt see me he way I was but i didnt want them to see me quite this big eiher!!! I have lost weight but I am still by far quite a cow!Still bigger than any of them remember seeing me! Every pound counts and I want to loose as much as possible by then, instead i spent this month - 13 days of it so far- not loosing a pound or inch and perhaps even gaining some- and wasting time towards weight loss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????????

OK.    ((((((((( Deep breath )))))))))   I will get back on track tomorrow and by the end of the month be caught back up to where I need to be-another 10 lbs lost.

People are starting to notice and comment, it feels really good. Of course I try not to absorb too much of the goodness because I’m not done yet! Someone asked me today how I was doing it, I was honest :   “No pills, no drinks, no surgery-just excercise and eating small healthy meals-the good ‘ole fashioned ,slow, boring way.”    They weren’t impressed with the answer- I think they were hoping I had found or come up with something quick and cool- nope - I wish! But really I have not. Its been 6 long months and I have about 6 more to go. But I am so glad I started when I did, if not I may be sitting here still wishing I had……..

Well I hope to continue my journey until I reach my goals, monthly I’ll post my success and maybe in between and I cross my fingers not to fall off the wagon. But I do fall sometimes, often enough but the key is to just get back on and move forward! Don’t give up- ONE pound at at time is etter than zero. Luck to all!

                  FINALLY! People are finally starting to comment on my weightloss! Up until like a week ago, no one at all had mentioned or noticed my weightloss! Which is fine, because now I get asked : How are you doing it? How long have you been on it? How much are you trying to loose? Do you excercise? So on and so on …..which is OK but some people ask at worst times in front of people  that makes it embarrassing. I am still fat you know and people that didn’t know me before must think, DAMN how fat was she if she looks like this ?? But thats all small stuff, I can’t wait to meet my goal! In about 6 months or so I should be there so long as all goes as planned and it has been. I should a been more like at 50 pound loss by now but I slipped up somewhere along the way- but hey I’ll take 40 lbs any day over zero!

 Well fellow bloggers, keep up the good work! Stick to it and rememebr that one day at a time it will happen! The weight will come off.

What feels better?……..                  Eating that Cheeseburger & Fries feeling embarrassed of yourself in the restaurant feeling like everybody is staring at you or strutting your stuff on the beach this summer feeling sexy and confident??                  Thought so.

It has been a battle and it is slow and very hard- but well worth it! I have to stick to it daily but I have to remind myself constantly its NOT A DIET, its the new way of eating healthy. The obese inside of me still wants to eat some junk and pig out at times, but I remind myself of howmuch better I feel if I don’t, not only do I fell healthier but I also feel more attractive!

 I still slip up once and again, mostly the same issue as in the past of just eating larger portions than I should but I get right back on track and have been doing pretty good with portions. It has gotten easier to eat less. Even when I am hungry, I have a rule: If my stomach is not actually growling then I can wait and I know its just all in my head! I know I am truly hungry when it growls and that rule has helped me eat less throughout my day!!!

Will try to post daily again and will add new pics!